Many people keep BDSM or kinky desires private because they fear judgment or rejection.
Over time, hiding those parts of yourself can create distance and disconnection in your relationships. When people can’t express and engage in what genuinely turns them on during sex, they can end up going through the motions of what they think is expected of them. Sex can start to feel performative instead of fulfilling.
Human sexuality is diverse, even if most people don’t see that reflected in mainstream culture. Because of that, it’s common to feel like your desires are “too much” or unsafe to share.
As a sex and intimacy coach and surrogate partner, I help people understand and explore their desires, and how to talk about them more openly. We find ways to invite those desires into lived experience. Over time, intimacy starts to feel more engaging and fulfilling.
How to Talk About BDSM and Kink with a Partner
You don’t have to share anything before you’re ready. But if you want to open up to a partner, it often helps to start with the feeling you want rather than the specific act.
Start with the Emotional Experience
Instead of leading with a kink label or fantasy, talk about what the experience gives you emotionally.